When I first agreed to take Lady, my life looked very different. I was about to move in with my partner and start a whole new land project. Life moved swiftly and rather unexpectedly by communicating to me through dreams that this wasn't the path we where meant to take. It all happened so quickly that I had whiplash for quite a while. I honestly still do.
As I was coming back to Peru from this trip in the States I had to sit in deep mediation quite a few times to reflect on if this was truly the next step for me.
My heart still felt deeply raw after we officially ended this on and off partnership that had consisted of four and a half years of us orbiting around each other.
I was still recovering from a year of mystery illnesses, as well as a deeply eye opening awareness of my neurodiversity and how it going undiagnosed had deeply impacted me and feelings of shame for the ways I moved differently in the world.
In short, it had been one of the most challenging years of my life and instead of the "happy ending" I had envisioned, I was suddenly left in an empty void, filled mostly with grief as I began to process the totality of our 4 and a half years together.
I truly honor the void as a deep space of medicine, so I wanted to see if taking on a horse was actually the right thing to do. Or if I needed to take that space to tend to my heart and body.
And yet, in every single meditation, I heard the same answer. "Take her, she is meant to walk this path with you." I still doubted. I was not in a stable position. And yet the answer was always the same. "Take her, she carries Medicine."
When we got Lady she was skin and bones, anxious and refused to let anyone touch her. She spent a large majority of her time pacing back and forth, completely unsettled in her body. Whiskey found her frenetic energy unsettling and pushed her away through biting and charging.
I began training with her right away. I intuitively knew she wouldn't be able to put on any weight until she was able to be settled in her own skin.
As I looked at her, I saw a reflection of how I felt internally. Weak, unsettled, untrusting and run dry. I was unsure of how to start over from this place of deficit.
For myself I knew I couldn't get through this big thing on my own. I have been through a lot of extremely hard things in this lifetime, and have always pushed through and gotten stronger despite and because of the hand I was dealt. This time, I didn't have anything left inside of me to fight. For the first time in my 42yrs on earth, I found myself empty, broken and fully surrendered.
Lady gave me that reason to get up every morning. This reflection of myself, she also couldn't move through her personal history of trauma on her own.
As I showed up everyday and slowly got her used to touch, showed her that humans could be a place of safety. I found myself reaching out to my fellow humans. People who have lived right next door, I started connecting with. I shared when I felt overwhelmed by a task and needed help. I had friends helping me re paint my bedroom. Making art projects together. And oftentimes just being fed.
Lady herself became a place of connection, as so many seemed to want to spend time with her. We would go out to the farm together and work with her. Not only did I cherish my one on one time with her. But I loved that she brought humans to come and be with her and me.
I feel this journey of transformation will be a longer one, for both me and her. And this time, I'm not rushing to get to the end point of healing. We will both take our time. We will both slowly unfurl into this becoming. This second chance at living life through a new lens of perspective.
One where we aren't pushing through to survive and become stronger, in spite of. But instead, one where we are held and nourished by community, as we allow ourselves to become, something fully brand new.
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